Um bit late there. We stopped fighting on Monday...like the day after it started.
<3

Sorry to everyone else

You can ignore that whole bit if you want.

Well, great.

Looks like I just lost my best fucking friend in the world. Because judging by this, here's how it's going to go -

Bitching.

Continue bitching.

Both of us to proud to get over our stupid egos, so continue bitching.

Glenna's fucking good at being a bitch (especially to me when she's mad at me) so continue bitching.

If this was back at school, maybe - give or take a few days or weeks - this could have ended.

But it's not. You're over there and I'm over here.

You clearly don't realise how much I care about you, how I would check my emails every single day in the hope you'd have replied, how it hurt when you hadn't. How excited I was, three weeks after not getting an email, to see one from you; only to find it was some bitch rant about you hate your friends.

About how you hate all australians and australia can get fucked. I don't want to bring politics into anything, but I still felt cut that you'd insult my country. I've never insulted americans, why are you insulting me?

So it felt REALLY great, after waiting all that time, to see that that's what my long-awaited reply was to be.

You go on about being in your 'hell' as if I can do something about it. WHAT can I do, Glenna?? WHAT do you want me to do?? Take you away? Fly you to your beloved Colorado - yet further away from me? Somehow force everyone in that place to like you?

As if you're the only one suffering, the only one having problems. My dad's fucking wedding is in May. I had to spend my holidays telling his fiancee - the woman he cheated on my mum with - that she looked beautiful in her dress. That the wedding rings looked lovely. That somehow, the falling-apart of my family was a BEAUTIFUL thing.

I may not have people openly bitching at me, but it's been fucking hard since everyone left. The only person I have left here is Bonnie, and half the time she's off with everyone else, bored with me.

At least people care enough about you to diagnose you, annoying as it may be. People don't CARE what's wrong with me. I'm stuck in my room, in my head, shit going on in there and I don't know WHAT it is. I don't even KNOW what's wrong with me, and nobody cares enough to find out. Nobody really cares. They tell you to 'not bottle it up', but shit, you open your mouth and nobody wants to hear about it, either.

Don't go on as if you're the only one with problems, because while it may not be as hard for me as it is for you, life isn't a fucking merry-go-round, either. It's a fucking horror house and I can't get out, my head's all retarded and I don't know what it is that's making me scared or depressed or angry, but it's like there's a demon inside my head trying to possess me and it's horrible.

And you go on as if I don't care two shits about you - you have no idea how wrong you are.

I tell all my friends that my best friend in the fucking world is an american and I love her to death. Yes, all of them. When Cassie goes on about my "crazy american friend" I defend you; yes, I tell her "Hey, she was just a bit jealous, ok? She's still my best friend, really, I love her to death - she's fine when she doesn't hate you."

When I list my "best friends" I list Glenna Marletto first. Because I've always considered Glenna Marletto my best friend. Yeah, she's crazy, yeah, she's temperamental, yeah she's jealous and needy and can't get along with anyone. But she's MY BEST FRIEND. And no matter how often we fight, even when she death glares me or writes shit about me or insults me or tells everyone how much she hates me because I'm a hypocrite bitch cunt who doesn't care about her, I STILL LOVE HER TO DEATH. Yeah, you probably don't believe it. I can see you rolling your eyes right now; there you go, right there, just like every single time we've fought, that eye-roll that would drive me absolutely bananas and make me throw tables.

You don't see how I miss you every single day to the point that it hurts. How I'd wish I could just take you back and hug you and hide you from tori and cassie and the bitches at your school. How I secretly wished, though I'd never say it, that you could just learn to GET THE FUCK ALONG with other people.

So that it WOULDN'T be so hard for you. So that you WOULDN'T have to be miserable because 'everyone hates you'.

You know why people can't get along with you? Because first, you cling to them. Then, when they get suffocated and try to nudge you away a little just so they can breathe, you get scared and cling harder. When they try to breathe, you take it as a sign that they hate you, for some reason. You think they're pushing you away so then you get jealous. You don't want to let them go, seeing them with anyone else hurts; they seem to be 'having more fun', suddenly that OTHER person is more of a friend than you and you don't like that.

So then you get irritable as well as jealous. They get annoyed with your sudden PMS-out-of-nowhere. Then, ultimately, a fight starts.

I don't know why you do it. I don't know if you've always done that, or if you do it because you're scared. Do you think everyone will drift out of your life, unless you cling onto them? Is that what life has taught you?

I don't know how many fights or arguments will tell you that I still haven't drifted away despite that. You cling onto me as if I'm running from you; yet, I'm still here, upset and pissed because; believe it or not; I ACTUALLY CARE.

Yep, four and a half years later I'm still here. Still calling you my best friend.

I don't know if anyone else has drifted. Maybe all of your friends in the past have eventually drifted away; is that why you now cling onto every new friend you make?

Either way, I think that the fact that I've stayed with you for all these years is saying something. Stop being so scared that I'm going to float off too. You may think that all my 'other' friends are more important to me, closer to me, just because they're physically with me. But I promise you've got it all wrong, because none of these guys, not even Bonnie, would stick up for me in the way that you have. That's why you're my best friend, because despite the stupid fights and everything, we still managed to patch it up and remain best friends. You still stuck up for me when I was being bullied in year 7 and I'll never forget that. Did Cassie stick up for me in Year 7? Did she ever stick up for me?

I guess that what I'm trying to say is, yeah. I'm pissed. I'm upset. I'm bitching and ranting and screaming and yelling and crying. What you said in those last two blogs really pissed me off and REALLY hurt me.

But it hurt me because I actually care, despite what you're saying.

I'm upset and angry, but I'm NOT drifting away, despite what you believe.

Thing is, I know you too well, and you're way too proud to believe that I could possibly be telling the truth. So you won't believe me. And this stupid fucking farce is going to continue.

God, I don't know why I wrote all of that, you probably didn't even read it. You probably don't care, you don't want to be told you're wrong, especially from me. But hell, it's not like "I care", is it?

Yeah..I had other plans so I wouldn't go broke while everyone else did whatever until they were ready to make music. And you know what Aliway, fuck this. This never would have worked because I'm too much of a jealous bitch. That's what it comes down to. Because it's been eating me from the inside for almost two years now..knowing how much more you like other people (I won't mention their names for privacy reason but you know who) more than you like me as a friend. Because it doesn't matter how much I'm suffering as long as you're all happy down in Armidale surrounded by your friends that actually give a fuck. Whereas I'm stuck in this hell..suffering from anxiety and depression and apparently I also qualify as a developing anorexic now too. Great isn't it? Have fun with your fucking life cuz I don't care anymore. Well I do care...but it makes me feel like an idiot when nobody gives a fuck back.

What??

Where did that come from? "plans that totally went against everything we worked for" - what the shit is that all about?

You told me you wanted to be a beautician, ages ago. I dunno when you changed your mind, but since when were you the only one making "plans that totally went against everything we worked for"? Being a beautician doesn't have anything to do with music. And yet you're blaming the rest of us for deliberately pulling all of this apart?

And don't you dare talk to me about not giving it a shot. Who was the one who said "Yeah..I don't think it will. I lost confidence in it a few months ago. Begin solo project."?

Don't you dare blame the rest of us, because you're in it as much as we are.

Fuck all of this. If fighting and placing blame, or trying to prove our innocence (don't blame me, blame them) is what we're down to, then this never WOULD have worked out.

Great, now I'm pissed. I was actually having a GOOD day today until I read that.

Just So We All Know

that I realised a while ago it wasn't going to work. About the point when Sombra told me she wanted to tour around CA and Aliway said she wanted to go to art school. It kinda really sucked knowing I was the only one who hadn't made plans that totally went against everything we worked for.

It's okay. I'll just go be famous by myself. I don't fucking care that everyone gave up without giving it a shot before. I knew it wouldn't work and it was stupid to ever think it would. And for the record...I'm becoming a sound technician. I have every intention of working in LA/other parts of Southern California. From there I'll learn more about how music goes together..then I'll make my own. Because I don't think it was ever a stupid idea to do something I love. The only stupid part was thinking that everyone else would stick with me.

My 2 cense...

Okay.
I think it's wrong to blame Tobi for breaking it apart. If I'm honest, she was never really that 'into' it in the first place. It was just 'convenient' that she was learning guitar at the time. If we say that it started when she left and decided to do what she is doing know, I think we are just using that big event as something we clearly remember.

And by what I read on Sombra's post, it sounded like 'There's low morale on this site', since Lanna and Tobi don;t post on here. I was already having a bad day, and I most likely read it wrong. But you can see how it could be miss read. If it was not aimed, I apologize for taking it the wrong way.

And I do agree. We all want to do different things. If I want to become a psychologist, thats 4 years undergrad then another 4 masters degree. I really have no time. I can't learn bass because that causes money, and at the moment I am not free any afternoons at school. My "friend" who was "going' to teach me turns out to be a bitch and clearly stated "Well, I'm not teaching you".

So I really don't see how it is going to work. But, if by some miracle it does, I'm so there. This isn't me quitting, this is me saying what problems there are on my side, and that I have to work this out before anything. Besides, we all live on 3 different continents. I'm staying here until end of year 12, Sombra is probably staying ( I have no idea ) and so is Saji. We all know Aliway is staying ( ^_^). So, we cant meet up. My immediate plans are to go to Cambridge (I've made a pact with a friend here that that is where we are going). So I really don't know

But it was a nice thought, to be in a band and be famous. And I'm glad I was apart of that thought. No matter how short-lived it was.

xx

Guys...

Calm down.
I don't think anyone's trying to single out anyone. Kyrie, remember, they're talking about Tobi and Lanna as well, so it's not like they're singling you out. Don't make out as if they are, they're just trying to sort this shit out.

Because it's kind of falling apart and it'd take an idiot not to see that.

I'm sorry... I really want this to work out, but we have to be realistic. And the reality is that since Tobi left it kind of went down the drain. The motivation's not there, and neither is the drive.

It's not that we're sick of it. It's just that the idea's deflated.

I mean, we all have different aims and goals now. I want to stay in Armidale for a year, then go to uni in Sydney for an art degree which may take up to four years. Kyrie, like you said you want to take a GAP year, and Saji, you want to become a beautician (or at least that's the last I heard... I don't know if you changed your mind or what). I'm pretty sure Sombra's sticking around CA for a while too.

As for Lanna, I haven't heard from her for months so I don't know. I'm pretty sure she's out of the picture.

And Tobi...
I love her to death, but it seems like she wants to ruin her life. She's got herself into this mindset that she's a screw up who can't do anything right. She's sure she's going to end up either dead or a bum. Unfortunately, at the rate she's going, she will end up like that.
I know she can pull herself together if she BELIEVES she can. I believe in her, I honestly do. I know that if she can get out of that screw-up mindset, she can do great things.

But I don't know how long it'll take for that to happen.

Even if MSF were possible, it seems we all want to do different things. We may make plans, but our other careers may get in the way.

So... I'm afraid that that's all MSF may be. A dream. A nice one, granted. Not one that I really want to give up on.

But that's all it is. I'm not giving up. I'm just saying we have to be realistic.

Kind of singling me out there a bit aren't you Sombra? Since I am the only one not mentioned and the only other one who posts on here.

Besides, at the moment, I just want to finish school. But I'm planning to have a gap year, so anything can happen then.

But I'm not giving up.

And I'm hurt if you think that I would so easily

Doubt

Yeah..I don't think it will. I lost confidence in it a few months ago.

Begin solo project. <3